 | But then was it courageous to leave a sensitive and caring beauty without explanation? He was to never fully put aside that haunting image pressed in his mind as he pictured the confused girl. Puzzled with how I could leave such a treasure untouched......unspoiled.....a delicate fresh fragrance hidden from the nose, a gentle embrace unfelt......A innocent heart to pound its tender beat alone. A deep sigh of remorse takes me away from writing briefly......Fighting the urge to toss all my unsatisfied dreams and rush back to embrace her one more time. The damage had been done.....I felt I had injured her beyond repair and with out a word of reason for my action. And that was the real truth behind the hesitation. Could I know how so many before me had relaxed their earlier ambitions for their recognition of worth in their home, to settle for only a heated exchange found from a physical attraction and culminated in pleasures found so uncomplicated in the furs. He could only hope she could deal with his reason. As a proud warrior I must wait till I had earned the respect of all in his camp and not just unquestionably demand it. I long that I could experience some of both such delights in time.....but not until I was recognized for my stronger sense of duty that resided deep inside and perhaps to feel some tiny bit of worth at last.
Her certainty of who she was and what she wanted had brought me so close to taking her within my arms and never letting go. My pleasure seemed foremost on her mind. And I could feel her devotion, her all enveloping calm that she found from her decision. To remove the fear of rejection that once always directed her path to unexplained confusion and trauma and place her complete trust in me. And was probably puzzled by this Outriders actions, since he had always shown her the same encouragement. Only now, she was plagued by the same unexpected dillema. She had been sure once.....When his soul touched her's and she must of understood him.. The unblemished truths about trust....would tempt fate and elude the future.....Was it a time to love or flee. Was it the place, the Ahn, the moment come and gone and the promises never heard that darkened the world of hers just a bit more.....Trust in love....and one can achieve anything. Or trust in time.... as it shows stronger stuff. I hold on to reality and cling to her like a lost friend......For if I let the fantasy alone guide my steps what foundation for tomorrow could ever be built........Have I given up on hope and allowed tomorrow to be a cold blanket. I allowed it not to come close, and impart it's design to me, but to refuse to take it's wrap of softness around me. Though her desires to find that fulfillment next to me was obvious, I could not approach that same threshold. The siege of decision had forced me to look at what I knew in the long term was more important. And while I awaited notice of another kind, I could only hope she could remain and understand. Unlike the rush of certainty as she found in me. I say I am just as certain my wait is worth while too. Truth was only a fact, and what fact he lacked on his face made him unworthy for any real trust to be built upon.
But as I look back to that incident I realize now, that in my refusal to accept that beauty of exceptional understanding and ultimate devotion , to shy from that trust that she placed before me, all she was, all she wished, and all wanted to be, surrenduring herself before me, completely, nekid and quivering for my touch and care, made me feel so much less than the man that I know since have grown to be today....... I would never again trade her faith in me, or refuse to be what I already was in her eyes. Especially for any mark on face could ever show. And will not let the cold blanket of my brothers words to ever allow that to happen again.
From the journal of the belated Outrider from Paravaci, Antonii Skalogai |