 | Reality now played before me like a mobius of animation, a continuum of emotional bliss. I felt so alive. Our hearts and minds were fused together by the love we shared. The love had intensely changed me forever. I was overwhelmed. It made any time away from you untamed torture. I longed for you. I needed you. I wanted you. My mind was crowded with images of you. The passage of time was inconsequential. My new found passion filled my day. Complete it was, as the way you made me feel. Confidant that we were joined and made inseperatable before the rapturous passing moments. The calm was enveloping me totally. I now possessed the strength to leave doubt behind. There was no fear of rejection haunting my actions. I was unhesitant. I had found love. It encompassed all my thoughts and changed my actions completely. I was happy.
Then in one heinous twist of an instant you were gone..... The world crashed down around me. I was devastated, and would eventually be reduced to floundering for the energy, or for that matter the will to get dressed or even get out of bed. I had been caught completely off guard. I was tossed into the swirling sea of depression. The whole episode seemed a blur then. My heart was to ache like I never knew possible. It made the growing pains of my adolescence seem mild in comparison. My moods changed in rapid fashion.. I fear they will undo me. They scream loudly upon the beating surf where we used to walk barefooted in the night. They would pierce the pillow where our heads would touch together, as thoughts turned to ecstasy. I feel so much emptiness inside me. I am so alone. How I got from hurt to hate seems strange now, but the feeling of emptiness had been so overpowering. It was a trade. I should get through this ordeal by filling my world with hate. I was so empty that I would gladly accept anything rather than the chaotic emptiness that became so immediate with your absence. I was so mad at you for leaving. I was lost in a quagmire of mixed emotional trauma. My poisoned thoughts were now to feed an ugly monster inhabiting my soul, hate. I had lost what had given me reason to live. I was mad at fate, mad at the world, and mad at god. How could he allow this to happen. I questioned his omnipotence, his judgement and his existence. Would I ever be able to feel tomorrow without the pain. How can I possibly live without you. The substitute for my loss was indeed very powerful. I would no longer trust any love again. You said it would be forever. I was angry.
And now, I lay before the twilight. I close my eyes and find myself in the comfort of your arms. Your voice, your laugh, I sometimes hear so clearly. Oh to have known earlier how to live without you. It had become easy for me to forget the pain at last. The memories you gave me had worn thin my hate. You were with me again. Although I never realized just when my bitterness had left, I was glad to be with you. Like an angel borne out of necessity the visits would come again and again. I was tranquil once more. Had I been able to piece together my broken heart and find the calm while sleeping. Perhaps the visiting figure of an angel in my sleep was you. I now can spring to smile when I remember how tenderly it took me away from the pain. I could remember you. The hate has left me. Perhaps only an angel could illuminate my soul, and finally deliver me my hope and happiness.
I no longer have to dream, to be with you. Your love is now a part of me. I had survived only because of the intensity you showed me. There is to be no half way if one is to love. You showed this blind man how to see. The little ways how you would handle a crisis would play over in my mind and were now a part of me. I find that patience has become intertwined as well. It now seems daily I would return to the images of our fun of an afternoon doing nothing and doing everything. The feelings were indeed back. The tears have left and the anger had subsided. How could I of believed to hold you responsible for my happiness. But I owe you so much more. I realize you were showing me not only your zest for life but how to live it. To approach life as if there were no tomorrow. Cause who needs tomorrow when you have today. When one wishes to know when love will end, and not that it will last forever, has never loved. I am happy again. I now know it is not what you hope for tomorrow but what you cherish today. I had to lose it all, before i could see. With your kind and knowing tenderness you've showed me not only what was missing but how to live life. Before me lay now a heart on fire, determined to eradicate this passive existence, reach out and join life today. And I was free to feel today. I know that I have loved, and am loving now. I still see you at the chalkboard opening my eyes with your wisdom. "This next lesson you have to learn on your own. I've done my best to prepare you. I gave you a love that surpassed everything. Now you must choose what lies next." She had reached into my world and touched me again. I feel the trek of a solitary tear race across my face to greet a corner of my smile. It was magnificent. And just as clearly I could hear another phrase, this time much more familiar it would play. It would echo within my mind as the days light would fade into the darkness, like we used to greet the night together. "See you in the morning." And I was able to drift peacefully into the solitude. And I was happy. |